I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
