six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
