the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
