Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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