did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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