If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
