i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
