he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
