Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
