forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
