I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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