weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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