Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
