I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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