Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I party with great urgency now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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