can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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