Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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