I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
