My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
