im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
