dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
