Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
