I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
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Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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