So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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