on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
