so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
