Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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