Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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