Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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