She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
