My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
