Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
