so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
