She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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