This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
