Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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