her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
