I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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