totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
