last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I smell stomach acid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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