dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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