I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
