which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
