Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
