woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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