Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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