Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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