I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
