I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
