Your tits are I can't wait for
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
