so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
