from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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