I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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