Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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