Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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