You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
